Anxiety Talks|Notebooks and Journals

Hello, my lovelies!!
Now I know I only posted a blog yesterday but this is gonna be a regular thing! I'm getting on this blogging stuff!!

So let's get down to it.

So the biggest way I filter all of my thoughts are writing. Writing in my journal is the only way I have been able to get through this past month. When I am really struggling with a certain something (don't really want to go into it right now) I write a letter. I tell him everything I am feeling and everything I want to tell him. As soon as the pen hits the paper I feel my worries and anxieties leave me.
I find I often cry as I write, but to me, this is just another form of release.

To me a journal also needs to represent you, you need to love it it is an extension of your mind. Because or this I always get the best. I love that new notebook smell so I buy notebooks all of the time. I am slightly obsessed.

So when two brilliant Notebook companies told be they were gonna send me some notebooks I might have done a little dance!!! A massive thank you to Noted in Style and Mount Street Printers for making this post possible. How beautiful are these books!

I also have a discount code for all of you guys. A brilliant company called Unique Planners have let me give you a fantastic 15% discount. Just use code HAYLEY15
Now if you like more contemporary notebooks check out The Bookery and make sure you use discount code HAYLEY15 for an awesome 15% discount.

I am also going to give one of you readers two of these amazing notebook!!! All you need to do is comment on this post!!! Giveaway ends on the 31st July 2017 at midday.

As Always
Love Hayley Beth XXX



Noted In Style
Mount Street Printers

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Thank You For Giving Me a Kick Up the Butt

I wrote this a little while ago. I was in a pretty bad place too scared to even leave the house. The reason I didn't post it originally is because I didn't quite understand why I had written it. It was one of those moments where the words just appeared on the screen, I wasn't even aware that I was typing.
I shared these words with a close friend of mine and he made me realise that there are so many paths that I can take, just because I haven't discovered what I want to do it doesn't mean my life is over.

Since that conversation I have done a lot of thinking and dreaming and I have decided to pursue writing. I understand it is an incredibly hard scene to crack but I'm just going to give it a go.
I've also realised that there is nothing keeping me in Gloucester, so if an opportunity arises that requires me to move I am going to go for it.

So here it is. I'm not sure what it is but it is here for you to read.


I'm sat here staring in to space feeling lost in this world.
Not sure what to do or where to go.
I see people, they know what path they are on and how to get to where they are going.
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am 21 without focus.
Even my tears have no meaning.
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do?
I have no voice or no feeling.
I am numb with no sense.
Where do I go and where did I come from?
Is there meaning to this life or am I just waiting to die?

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Happiness

Looking back at my childhood the most poignant of memories are from when I was most upset and angry. I wouldn't consider myself to be a happy person. But what is happiness? I can't say I have ever felt immense happiness nor can I really remember a time whereby something made me particularly happy.
Is that a bad thing or does it maybe shown that I haven't been making the right decisions in life?
I thought having a stable job and being in a relationship would make me happy. I thought making jewellery and other crafts would make me happy.
Is there something wrong with me or am I just blocking out the happy memories?
I can't be the only person who feels like this. And please it isn't depression as I know that is what most people jump to but I know something isn't quite right.
I laugh and i have fun but there is always something else lingering in the back of my head.
Unfortunately now this sadness has got so bad that even my boyfriend doesn't wish to spend time with me. Always making excuses. I may be seeing something that isn't there but what I am currently seeing is a life with out love, a life without happiness in a monotonous life.
I know i shouldn't feel empty like this. But I see all my friends settling down, starting families and here I am not leaving the house all day as though I am scared of the outside world.
I am lost amongst my sadness.

Goodbye to those who loved me....

So I tried writing this on the 16th of march but it was just too hard.
I've taken some time at I have finally got my head straight.
The 16th of march was my sisters 18th birthday. The 16th of march was also the last day I talked to my family. I had finally lost it, I had finally had enough.
I had enough of always coming second fiddle to my sister, I had enough of my dad not even talking to me even when i was sat right next to him and I was fed up of never being good enough for my mum.
I honestly would rather have no family than live in a family where by lets face it im not liked all that much.
I am just lucky I have great friends and work colleagues who I can talk to when I need to.

Sorry for the daily blogging to be a bit of a flop but I will be back tomorrow with another blog which will be a hell of a lot more cheerful than this one!!!!

As always
Love Hayley Beth XXX

Sorry...

So I've kinda neglected you guys for a little while. I'm sorry I just haven't had time to blog...

So what has happened since my last geeky post?

Well I had an awesome Christmas with my gorgeous boyfriend who spoilt me rotten, I had a spontaneous valentines and I am moving stores!!!

Although a lot is going well at the moment anxiety keeps rearing it's evil head and unfortunately it is starting to get me down. I haven't been able to hide my down days so much and Ben has seen things I never wanted him to see. My down days are pretty hard to come out of as well. So because of this I have decided that I will start to post every day. It might not be a big entry like this one but it will be something that made me smile. It could be a photo, a quote or a news article. 

So starting tomorrow I will start posting everyday. It may be the only thing I have smiled at in a day so I want to share it!!!

Thank you for still reading my posts while I have been gone.

As Always 

Love Hayley Beth xxx

I've Been Struggling

Right now I feel as though I am of no use to anyone.
Having to struggle with money is incredibly stress full and I wish I hadn't chosen to move out. I know my life wouldn't be as it is now and I wouldn't have met all the friends I have now like James or Aimee or even Ben. But I would never want anyone to struggle like I have these past few months. I try to be strong about it and pretend that everything is ok but I'm really struggling at the moment. Last month I survived off just one meal a day. It caused me to be in an awful mood the majority of the time and I didn't have the energy for anything some days I wanted to just cry and cry but I couldn't is didn't have the  energy to do so.
I know this has put a strain on my relationship at the moment anyone with a brain would have ended it a long time ago but that is what Jack did and I want to be stronger than him. I don't want to give up just because things get a little bit tough.
I realise now I shouldn't have taken my self off of my anti depressants and not being able to afford them was a silly excuse not to go and get them I know my family would have helped if I had let them know what was going on but I couldn't. I need them to see that I am able to live on my own. I chose this life now I have to live it.
Even when I have no food in the cupboard I don't ask for help I know this annoys Ben and he worries about me because of it but I'm just not one who is capable of asking for help. I was raised not to let people know when I have issues to show the world you are strong even if you are falling apart on the inside. And although that is my greatest strength I know it is also my greatest weakness.
I have started to have panic attacks again an I often find my self waking up in the middle of the night crying. I  don't want to be like that again but I don't want to take medication at the same time. I want to be able to pull my self up out of this one.  I will need support but I know that I have a lot of people around me that love and care about me even if I don't always let them in I know they are there.
I'm going to start seeing my family more and I'm going to start eating properly. I'm not going to keep everything so bottled up and I'm going to start opening up to people especially my parents who don't know about me struggling.
I do miss living with them but i could never go back. things are no longer the same any more and they never will be. I tore my family apart. Moving out hurt my mum more than anything in this world and i am so so sorry for that. I know I ruined my relationship with my dad and I hate myself for the fact he barely talks to me any more even when I go round to see him.
I do love my family with all of my heart and I know that moving out was the biggest mistake I ever made. But I made it and I have to live with that.
I guess writing this was the easiest way for me to let people know what was going on in my head at the moment. I hope it makes people see why I have been the way I have for a while now and I am trying to sort my life out but it just takes time to work things out sometimes.
Love Hayley Beth xxx