Time For A Little Cry

So today is mothers day in the UK. This means Facebook, instagram and twitter is full of mother and child photos and sweet little anecdotes of how special every ones mums are. I hate days like this because it just reminds me that I don't have that kind of relationship with my mum. I wouldn't change the relationship I have with my mum because it works for us but sometimes I do think I wish we could be closer, I wish we could go on mother and daughter shopping trips together and do more than grab a cheap lunch at the posh Wetherspoons every few months.
I don't actually have any photos of me and my mum. I think that is what upsets me the most. For some one from the outside looking in they would almost be able to believe my parents only had one child. I know that not to be true but so many of my friends see my family as horrible people who don't care for me but a lot of the time I think that is because they don't understand the relationship I have with them.
OK yes it does bug me when my parents don't return my calls. They probably think I'm just bored and wanna say hi but sometimes I do genuinely just want to here my mums voice because I miss her and sometimes I just need her to reassure me that everything is OK even i she doesn't realise that is what she is doing.
I miss my family I really do. I try to play it cool but in reality I am so goddamn lonely with out them. I know too much time has passed for anything to change or to go back to how it was but I just don't want to end up like my dad who has no relationship with his family what so ever. I want my future family to know  their cousins and grandparents. I want to have big family barbeque's in the summer and to all get together at Christmas and birthdays. I want them to  grow up surrounded by plenty of people who love and care for them, always knowing they have someone they can turn to to talk about anything that is of concern to them.

DIY IT!!!| DIY Christmas Gifts

Snow is fallin'
All around me
Children playin'
Having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas everyone

I know right, can you believe Christmas is literally round the corner. This year I have been super unorganised and have literally bought nothing. So this year I have set myself a little challenge. I am going to try and make some gifts.

So the first DIY I have done are the famous 'Sharpie Mug'. Now I couldn't find any of the sharpie paint markers so i used posca pens instead. So I have made these for my two house mates and my mum and sister. Everyone loves mugs and they can be used for so much more than just drinking a good cuppa tea!!!

So first of all you will need a selection of cheap plain mugs, nail varnish remover, paint pens and stickers.

I'm not all that creative so i went with the monogram letter dot design. What I did was print out some letters in a variety of bold fonts onto some sticker paper. once I stuck the letters to the mugs and chose the colours i wanted the dots to be. I chose silver and gold as I thought it was very christmassy!!!
once you are happy with your design peel the sticker off and leave to dry fully over night. In order to be able to use the mug without damaging your design you will need to pop in the oven at 220 for around 45 mins. Make sure you let the mugs warm up and cool down completely with the oven to prevent cracking.
Your mugs are now done!!! Make sure to only hand wash them so they last longer!!!!

And hey presto you have the perfect gift for quite simply anyone!!!! I hope you have enjoyed this little DIY and if you give it a go please share what you make using #lovehayleybeth

As Always
Love Hayley Beth XXX


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Goodbye to those who loved me....

So I tried writing this on the 16th of march but it was just too hard.
I've taken some time at I have finally got my head straight.
The 16th of march was my sisters 18th birthday. The 16th of march was also the last day I talked to my family. I had finally lost it, I had finally had enough.
I had enough of always coming second fiddle to my sister, I had enough of my dad not even talking to me even when i was sat right next to him and I was fed up of never being good enough for my mum.
I honestly would rather have no family than live in a family where by lets face it im not liked all that much.
I am just lucky I have great friends and work colleagues who I can talk to when I need to.

Sorry for the daily blogging to be a bit of a flop but I will be back tomorrow with another blog which will be a hell of a lot more cheerful than this one!!!!

As always
Love Hayley Beth XXX

I've Been Struggling

Right now I feel as though I am of no use to anyone.
Having to struggle with money is incredibly stress full and I wish I hadn't chosen to move out. I know my life wouldn't be as it is now and I wouldn't have met all the friends I have now like James or Aimee or even Ben. But I would never want anyone to struggle like I have these past few months. I try to be strong about it and pretend that everything is ok but I'm really struggling at the moment. Last month I survived off just one meal a day. It caused me to be in an awful mood the majority of the time and I didn't have the energy for anything some days I wanted to just cry and cry but I couldn't is didn't have the  energy to do so.
I know this has put a strain on my relationship at the moment anyone with a brain would have ended it a long time ago but that is what Jack did and I want to be stronger than him. I don't want to give up just because things get a little bit tough.
I realise now I shouldn't have taken my self off of my anti depressants and not being able to afford them was a silly excuse not to go and get them I know my family would have helped if I had let them know what was going on but I couldn't. I need them to see that I am able to live on my own. I chose this life now I have to live it.
Even when I have no food in the cupboard I don't ask for help I know this annoys Ben and he worries about me because of it but I'm just not one who is capable of asking for help. I was raised not to let people know when I have issues to show the world you are strong even if you are falling apart on the inside. And although that is my greatest strength I know it is also my greatest weakness.
I have started to have panic attacks again an I often find my self waking up in the middle of the night crying. I  don't want to be like that again but I don't want to take medication at the same time. I want to be able to pull my self up out of this one.  I will need support but I know that I have a lot of people around me that love and care about me even if I don't always let them in I know they are there.
I'm going to start seeing my family more and I'm going to start eating properly. I'm not going to keep everything so bottled up and I'm going to start opening up to people especially my parents who don't know about me struggling.
I do miss living with them but i could never go back. things are no longer the same any more and they never will be. I tore my family apart. Moving out hurt my mum more than anything in this world and i am so so sorry for that. I know I ruined my relationship with my dad and I hate myself for the fact he barely talks to me any more even when I go round to see him.
I do love my family with all of my heart and I know that moving out was the biggest mistake I ever made. But I made it and I have to live with that.
I guess writing this was the easiest way for me to let people know what was going on in my head at the moment. I hope it makes people see why I have been the way I have for a while now and I am trying to sort my life out but it just takes time to work things out sometimes.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

Mothers day

As many of you know I no longer live with my parents. It's great to have all my independence but that doesn't stop me missing my family every minute of every day. This was majorly proven whilst writing my mums mother's day card and my little sisters birthday card this morning.
I cried.
I realised that these sorts of occasions will never be the same. I no longer have the chance to attempt to make my mum breakfast in bed or surprise my sister by waking her up with her presents.
I know I chose to give that up but I can't help but miss that.
Do I regret moving out? No, I don't think so. But that doesn't mean I can't miss my family.
As always and especially to my mum and sister
Love Hayley Beth xxx