I've Been Struggling

Right now I feel as though I am of no use to anyone.
Having to struggle with money is incredibly stress full and I wish I hadn't chosen to move out. I know my life wouldn't be as it is now and I wouldn't have met all the friends I have now like James or Aimee or even Ben. But I would never want anyone to struggle like I have these past few months. I try to be strong about it and pretend that everything is ok but I'm really struggling at the moment. Last month I survived off just one meal a day. It caused me to be in an awful mood the majority of the time and I didn't have the energy for anything some days I wanted to just cry and cry but I couldn't is didn't have the  energy to do so.
I know this has put a strain on my relationship at the moment anyone with a brain would have ended it a long time ago but that is what Jack did and I want to be stronger than him. I don't want to give up just because things get a little bit tough.
I realise now I shouldn't have taken my self off of my anti depressants and not being able to afford them was a silly excuse not to go and get them I know my family would have helped if I had let them know what was going on but I couldn't. I need them to see that I am able to live on my own. I chose this life now I have to live it.
Even when I have no food in the cupboard I don't ask for help I know this annoys Ben and he worries about me because of it but I'm just not one who is capable of asking for help. I was raised not to let people know when I have issues to show the world you are strong even if you are falling apart on the inside. And although that is my greatest strength I know it is also my greatest weakness.
I have started to have panic attacks again an I often find my self waking up in the middle of the night crying. I  don't want to be like that again but I don't want to take medication at the same time. I want to be able to pull my self up out of this one.  I will need support but I know that I have a lot of people around me that love and care about me even if I don't always let them in I know they are there.
I'm going to start seeing my family more and I'm going to start eating properly. I'm not going to keep everything so bottled up and I'm going to start opening up to people especially my parents who don't know about me struggling.
I do miss living with them but i could never go back. things are no longer the same any more and they never will be. I tore my family apart. Moving out hurt my mum more than anything in this world and i am so so sorry for that. I know I ruined my relationship with my dad and I hate myself for the fact he barely talks to me any more even when I go round to see him.
I do love my family with all of my heart and I know that moving out was the biggest mistake I ever made. But I made it and I have to live with that.
I guess writing this was the easiest way for me to let people know what was going on in my head at the moment. I hope it makes people see why I have been the way I have for a while now and I am trying to sort my life out but it just takes time to work things out sometimes.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

A Pressure To Compete

Recently I went back to one of my old stomping grounds; Gloucester AC. For about three or four years I trained with the middle distance group at Blackbridge Athletics Track. Running is in my blood, both my parents run and my dad is a coach. I used to run at least four times a week. But it took me five minutes to remember why I stopped.
The head coach gave a speech on the importance of competing on behalf of the club. He basically said if you do not compete you cannot train. And this is simply the clubs down fall. many young people; girls especially do not want to compete. They want to keep fit and have fun. 
With such a big obesity problem in the UK with around 20% of all children in year six being obese and a further 14% over weight, shouldn't we be focusing on on combating that rather than winning competitions and killing morale when these young people don't win.
Because of the pressure to compete I started to hate running. I never felt like I was good enough and eventually this transpired in my running. I was soon not able to even run a mile without stopping purely because I gave in to that little voice in my head that said "why do you even bother yo are crap at this you are crap at every thing". 
So I quit. 
It had been nearly two years since I left when I visited last week. In two years the group has grown with only two people left that I know. A couple of the people who I used to train with now run for team GB. A new track has been built with competition level facilities and a new club house is waiting to be built. 
It is not the same club that I left but in many respects it is the very same club with the same flaws and attributes.
If I could I would set up my own training group that is open to any one of any walk of life. There would be no pressure to compete but if you did want to compete you would be fully supported in that quest. The aim of the group would to bring about social cohesion whilst trying to combat the obesity problem that plagues our fair country and many others. Only this is a very lucrative dream. I do not have the qualifications first of all nor do I have the time or money to set up and support such a feat.

I would just like to say thank you to those who gave me feedback on my last blog it was immensely over whelming to hear that my blog had inspired and related to so many people. 
But as always thank you for reading
Love Hayley Beth xxx