Happiness

Looking back at my childhood the most poignant of memories are from when I was most upset and angry. I wouldn't consider myself to be a happy person. But what is happiness? I can't say I have ever felt immense happiness nor can I really remember a time whereby something made me particularly happy.
Is that a bad thing or does it maybe shown that I haven't been making the right decisions in life?
I thought having a stable job and being in a relationship would make me happy. I thought making jewellery and other crafts would make me happy.
Is there something wrong with me or am I just blocking out the happy memories?
I can't be the only person who feels like this. And please it isn't depression as I know that is what most people jump to but I know something isn't quite right.
I laugh and i have fun but there is always something else lingering in the back of my head.
Unfortunately now this sadness has got so bad that even my boyfriend doesn't wish to spend time with me. Always making excuses. I may be seeing something that isn't there but what I am currently seeing is a life with out love, a life without happiness in a monotonous life.
I know i shouldn't feel empty like this. But I see all my friends settling down, starting families and here I am not leaving the house all day as though I am scared of the outside world.
I am lost amongst my sadness.

Sorry...

So I've kinda neglected you guys for a little while. I'm sorry I just haven't had time to blog...

So what has happened since my last geeky post?

Well I had an awesome Christmas with my gorgeous boyfriend who spoilt me rotten, I had a spontaneous valentines and I am moving stores!!!

Although a lot is going well at the moment anxiety keeps rearing it's evil head and unfortunately it is starting to get me down. I haven't been able to hide my down days so much and Ben has seen things I never wanted him to see. My down days are pretty hard to come out of as well. So because of this I have decided that I will start to post every day. It might not be a big entry like this one but it will be something that made me smile. It could be a photo, a quote or a news article. 

So starting tomorrow I will start posting everyday. It may be the only thing I have smiled at in a day so I want to share it!!!

Thank you for still reading my posts while I have been gone.

As Always 

Love Hayley Beth xxx

I've Been Struggling

Right now I feel as though I am of no use to anyone.
Having to struggle with money is incredibly stress full and I wish I hadn't chosen to move out. I know my life wouldn't be as it is now and I wouldn't have met all the friends I have now like James or Aimee or even Ben. But I would never want anyone to struggle like I have these past few months. I try to be strong about it and pretend that everything is ok but I'm really struggling at the moment. Last month I survived off just one meal a day. It caused me to be in an awful mood the majority of the time and I didn't have the energy for anything some days I wanted to just cry and cry but I couldn't is didn't have the  energy to do so.
I know this has put a strain on my relationship at the moment anyone with a brain would have ended it a long time ago but that is what Jack did and I want to be stronger than him. I don't want to give up just because things get a little bit tough.
I realise now I shouldn't have taken my self off of my anti depressants and not being able to afford them was a silly excuse not to go and get them I know my family would have helped if I had let them know what was going on but I couldn't. I need them to see that I am able to live on my own. I chose this life now I have to live it.
Even when I have no food in the cupboard I don't ask for help I know this annoys Ben and he worries about me because of it but I'm just not one who is capable of asking for help. I was raised not to let people know when I have issues to show the world you are strong even if you are falling apart on the inside. And although that is my greatest strength I know it is also my greatest weakness.
I have started to have panic attacks again an I often find my self waking up in the middle of the night crying. I  don't want to be like that again but I don't want to take medication at the same time. I want to be able to pull my self up out of this one.  I will need support but I know that I have a lot of people around me that love and care about me even if I don't always let them in I know they are there.
I'm going to start seeing my family more and I'm going to start eating properly. I'm not going to keep everything so bottled up and I'm going to start opening up to people especially my parents who don't know about me struggling.
I do miss living with them but i could never go back. things are no longer the same any more and they never will be. I tore my family apart. Moving out hurt my mum more than anything in this world and i am so so sorry for that. I know I ruined my relationship with my dad and I hate myself for the fact he barely talks to me any more even when I go round to see him.
I do love my family with all of my heart and I know that moving out was the biggest mistake I ever made. But I made it and I have to live with that.
I guess writing this was the easiest way for me to let people know what was going on in my head at the moment. I hope it makes people see why I have been the way I have for a while now and I am trying to sort my life out but it just takes time to work things out sometimes.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

An Update on That New Chapter....

So you know how I said I was going to move on and all, well I am back with my boyfriend. I don't know if that is classed as moving on or not but I am happy!!! He will never be able to understand why I have forgiven him for what he did to me and he will probably always feel like he owes me one (which he most definitely doesn't) but we are happy together and in all honesty I think we are actually better than before!!!

So what else is happening? Well I am finally (hopefully) getting out of my dead end job where they treat you horribly and moving up in life. If I do succeed in this I will tell you more about it then.

Now what I am going to tell you next is pretty BIG!!! 
I moved out of my parents house and now I live in the ghetto!!! OK it isn't really a ghetto but it isn't the orange county either. I currently live with a motorbike mechanic and a convict sorry I mean Australian!!! They are great guys and I feel I may have made at least one friend for life!!! I'm not going to lie living on my own is hard learning to budget money and only buy the essentials has been a great lifestyle change. But moving out has also changed my mindset on a lot of things. For example when I do over time at work I now say "well that's a weeks shopping" or "there's some money to go out with". Sad really isn't it!!!

Well that's all I've got for now and I am sorry for not blogging in a long while but I guess I just wanted to live my life with out living on the Internet. I won't  be posting much about my relationship as I don't want others to get involved and meddle.

As always
Thank you
Love Hayley Beth Xxx

Love, A New Me and An Evil Notebook

Well hello there!!!
So I have to apologise for my last blog it wasn't my finest hour but I guess it just shows that I am human! Anyway I thought I would just tell you what I have been up to recently!
As I have mentioned in previous blogs I have a boyfriend. So here are a few things about him. His name is harry, he is obsessed with skateboards and  motorbikes, he supports Birmingham City and he tells awful jokes. currently I haven't heard from him since Monday. And it is killing me. most people will think so what it ain't that long but when you are used to hearing from someone everyday it sucks. This is all because he is currently on a residential as part of his Princes Trust course. I miss him so much and time seems to be going by so slowly without him. I often worry that my constant need to hear from him is holding him back especially when he is with his new friends from the princes trust like he is moving on in life and I am just stuck where I am.
So that got deep. so what else have I been up to? Well I had a day off on Tuesday so I got all dressed up and went shopping. I have to say I felt far more confident in myself wearing nice clothes and make-up so I dunno this is the new me!!!

While I  was out shopping I found this really cute notebook with the words evil plans and stuff written on the front. As soon as I saw it I thought of my best friend and fellow blogger Kirstie (check out her latest blog here). She is absolutely nutty so when I see here next she has herself a little present lol!

I also bought myself a cute bag and purse from BHS and a skirt also from BHS. I paid for them using my star of the month gift card (that's right I am awesome at work lol!!!)
Tomorrow I am heading over to my Big brothers house for a day of movies, munchies and possibly a McDonalds.
So yeah I don't have the most exciting life but it is my life and well I love it!!!
So um yeah thanks for reading!!!
Love Hayley Beth xxx