It's Over

Today me and Ben made the decision to end things.
We never even made it out. He gave up. It absolutely breaks my heart to know I can no longer just pick up the phone to talk to him, To know that we will never argue over whether dragon ball z is a cartoon or anime. To know that when I get scared he will no longer be there to comfort me.
It breaks my heart to hear him cry. To tell me he will never get over me. To hear him say he has failed because he is incapable to make me happy.
We were together for nearly a year and a half. In that time we have made so many happy memories that I will quite simply treasure for the rest of my life.
I remember dancing in his room to rubbish music and laughing until I couldn't breath. Sitting down every week to watch tattoo fixers and the last leg. Debating subject he knew nothing about but doing it any way so he could see the smile on my face when I knew I had won. Seeing how proud he was of me whenever I sold one of my necklaces.
I look back and honestly I don't think I ever appreciated the little things. I don't think I ever even noticed.
Ben has quite frankly stolen a piece of my heart. I know I will treasure our love for the rest of my life.
It is going to take me a hell of a long time to move forward and I will cry from time to time but one day I know we will both be happy be it together or living out separate lives I know I will always love him.
Goodbye my Love XXX

Happiness

Looking back at my childhood the most poignant of memories are from when I was most upset and angry. I wouldn't consider myself to be a happy person. But what is happiness? I can't say I have ever felt immense happiness nor can I really remember a time whereby something made me particularly happy.
Is that a bad thing or does it maybe shown that I haven't been making the right decisions in life?
I thought having a stable job and being in a relationship would make me happy. I thought making jewellery and other crafts would make me happy.
Is there something wrong with me or am I just blocking out the happy memories?
I can't be the only person who feels like this. And please it isn't depression as I know that is what most people jump to but I know something isn't quite right.
I laugh and i have fun but there is always something else lingering in the back of my head.
Unfortunately now this sadness has got so bad that even my boyfriend doesn't wish to spend time with me. Always making excuses. I may be seeing something that isn't there but what I am currently seeing is a life with out love, a life without happiness in a monotonous life.
I know i shouldn't feel empty like this. But I see all my friends settling down, starting families and here I am not leaving the house all day as though I am scared of the outside world.
I am lost amongst my sadness.

Thanks For Not Sucking As Friends

As I am writing this I am sat in a cafe next to the sea drinking a hot chocolate. That's right I am on holiday!!! Now I wanted to write this blog because I am missing my two best friends. 

They are called Harry and Ricki.

Ricki is like a big brother to me which is great because I don't have a brother of my own. We have talked about Australian guys till the early hours of the morning and I have given him relationship advice (although bad advice as I haven't a clue when it actually comes to relationships). I have told him the stuff I would never be able to tell another sole but I can trust him. I don't know what I would do with out him.

Harry is my best buddy. we do pretty much everything together we go shopping, watch films, he meets me for lunch. Considering I used to think he was an annoying kid our relationship has changed a heck of a lot. 

Because of my friendship with these two amazing guys a lot of rumours have been started. the biggest one being that I fancied Ricki which would be wrong on so many levels especially as he is practically my brother. But what you have to understand is that most rumours are started by jelous people. many people do not have the kind of friendship that we have. 

I have made so many memories with these guys and that has just been in the past few months. My favourite memory is what I like to call the Ice Gem and Donkey incident. We had just been to see the amazing movie that is 22 Jump Street when Ricki did the clever thing of making a comment about this guys shirt. Now this guy didn't hear this comment but his short friend did. Now this short guy decided to pipe up and fight a battle that wasn't his to  fight. After he had finished we walked off but he did the lovely thing of telling his buddy. This consequently caused us to be followed. Now you are going to think there was some massive show down and punches were thrown, but no. All they wanted was an apology. And that is what they got. I was pretty disappointed with that anti climax!!!

I can talk to these guys about anything from guys to marvel films. I love them they are my favourite people and I love them.

Now you are probably thinking that i am going to tell you that this shows that guys and girls can be friends without anything romantic happening. But I can not. 

As always 

Love Hayley Beth XXX