Thursday, 23 July 2015


Right now I am eating rolos.
Most of you will not understand the significance of rolos in my life but those closest to me will.
Right now I shouldn't be eating rolos.
I should be happy.
I have a new job.
I have started actually dating again.
I should be happy.
But I'm not.

I guess I should start from the beginning.
Jack ended our relationship on what has to be said one of the worst days of my life.
On that same day I went to the doctors.
For a while I hadn't been my self and admittedly I had been self harming.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
The route causes to this have been identified as my abusive ex boyfriend, stress from my previous job and my former bad relationship with my parents.I was put in some tablets but I have been since taken off of them.
After the break up I was in a pretty bad place me and Jack were still talking and one night he asked me to come over.
Turns out he was pretty drugged up but I didn't care because I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me. I thought this was our chance to start over and make amends.
Things happened but when his mum asked if we were back together he was pretty quick in answering no.
After that I felt so low.
I felt as though I was worthless.
As a consequence I rejoined tinder and signed up to badoo.
I started talking to guys and sending them photos I really shouldn't have sent.
I thought it would make me feel better.
But it didn't.
I am so so ashamed of myself.
The people I considered to be friends call me a slut a dirty whore.
I guess that is what I am.
I don't want to be those things though.
The fact it was my friends calling me those things made me think I am an incredibly terrible person.
But I know I'm not that person.
I was silly.
I made a few mistakes but I'm growing now.
I have met someone who doesn't seem to care about my past, who tells me not to listen to the people who call me a slut.
That's why I should be happy.
I am happy i guess.
I have finished my rolos.
I have no more to say.
Love Hayley Beth xxx

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